polar mocha

the sounds of the coffee shop

always calms my nerves

there is something about pain

that boils in my veins

like a fuel that I could run on for days

I am sitting here alone

Surrounded by familiar faces

With all familiar worries going through my head

Like a headline news ticker

Repeating the news they had just said

A young man and woman

Sat uncomfortably too close

At another small round table

He talks on the phone

Leaving her to gaze about all alone

You would never do that to me

I know if I tried real hard

I would see you right here

Across from me

I wonder if you would drink

Coffee or tea

We would talk about forever

Just like we’ve learned to do

Not knowing if forever

Really combines me with you

But you’re on the road today

And my heart is up in arms

Trying to fight this feeling

It has when you’re away

It’s been so long that I’ve

wanted a companion

That understands what I see

I can’t sit back

Without taking action

No matter where we are

You will be with me

"They werent there"  missy higgins, check her out- A-mazing   http://www.missyhiggins.com/

You breathed infinity into my world and time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl. We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night. Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind, we'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh, now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong... But they weren't there beneath your stare, and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of any bindings from the world outside that room. And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away... so I couldn't say "no". You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew. You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say, I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know, just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him" but oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found, but I was alive and now I've drowned. So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song so they can tell me I was wrong... But they weren't there beneath your stare, and they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of any bindings from the world outside that room. And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away... so I couldn't say "no".

_______________________________________________________________________________

Once again, I am begginning a journal entry with...."it has been a long time since I have written"  But thats okay, this is a huge year for me and I think I will just default to the excuse that I have been really busy (which isnt completely true).  There are 80 days left until my graduation from Kansas State.  So many things frighten me and excite me at the same time right now.  I really have no clue what mind set I will wake up with from day-to-day. 

The strange thing is, it's the fears that I think excite me.  One is time, how quickly it goes, or comes, whichever way you chose to see it.  My time in college has been so precious to me and it is slipping away very quickly. With it, the time for a new chapter is coming very quickly...the time to grow up (even if just a tiny bit, or only financially) get a job, support myself, take everything that I have been learning at school about architecture, design, music, relationships, love, religion, and myself....and try to go out there (somewhere) and teach someone else.  strange...how there are chapters to life.  You can see them, looking back, distinctly.  One huge change that shoves you into this new element and forces you to start over again. bottom of the totem pole, to work your way up, and gradually prove yourself again.  And all this right when you are at the top of your game, when you can't go any higher.  default. back to the way it started.

Another fear is failure. I have been in school, in a focused field, for five years.  Now people are starting to ask me what I am going to do when I finish in May... is it wrong that I don't know?  Of course not!! I  know this, but why hasnt anyone else been informed of this??  The default setting at this point of most peoples' lives is marriage, job, house, family.  And for some, it is totally appropriate, for some, they just do it becasue it SEEMS like the next logical step, and for the others... ha, thats what I dont know- hence, fear.  I am really good at pretending like I know, and I will be the first to admit it. But other people in my life think that THEY know... (haha, this is very funny to me, ha, if I dont know....ha...I am sure they do....sarcasm) so they develop an idea, and when my future doesnt mold into that image in thier mind....I will be a failure. Then there is also an image of my own goals and dreams in my mind that are begginning to be influenced by society and others. 

So my biggest fear... going from a naive young women who can see the world clearly with dreams that are more clear than ever- to a mature, responsible adult that used to have dreams, but realizes slowly that they arent "realistic".  Hence being a failure...to myself.

Back to the excitement.  All these things make me so happy I could jump out of my skin.  I love not knowing.  Not knowing when or if I will ever fall in love.  Not knowing if at any moment I am playing and singing my heart out in a small coffee shop full of people not really paying attention, someone that has been looking for my talent to bank on will walk in, and back out with my name on a piece of paper.  Not knowing if I will get to step foot on foreign soil again, and experience new culture, language and diversity.  Not knowing who of my friends now will be with me until the day I die. Not knowing the boundary to how much understanding I can develop for my family and how close we can grow. I think it is Awesome, for lack of stronger word, not knowing. As Picasso said, "if you know exactly what you are going to do, what's the point of doing it?"

All this basically stems off of a great weekend, seeing one of my good friends marry a man that a few years ago, couldnt even be concieved in her mind; spending endless hours with my closest friends that, just one year ago, exactly, were merely faces and names to me; and conversing with and meeting brand new people, wondering each new name that is introduced to me, where they might be in my life in just one year.  It is cool to think about.

Although my thought process is random, and I dont always keep up with my journal, I greatly appreciate those that take an interest in the things I have learned about myself.  thank you.

I wanted to see if people are still interested in reading journal entries from me. I know it is not as exciting as my adventures in Europe, but I do still have a life. Please respond in the 'comments' sectino just below and let me know what you think. thanks

Well, I am back in ManHAPPINESS, Kansas. School starts in two days and so far, its great to be back.  Julie and I have moved into our new apartment...it is definately cozy, and we love it. We have taken so much pride in putting it together the last few days. Just yesterday, we ran into a guy from our studio, he hasnt always been someone the we have just loved, but after talking to him we both agreed that it was really good to see him. Thats when we came up with our moto for the semester...'to be accepting of others and accepting of ourselves'. It just stuck and we are both ready to have a great final year at KState. It will be hard to leave next summer.

Well, I just wanted to update everyone, so write me and tell me whats new, I have been kind of a hermit for the past month or so...talk to you all soon

yesterday Julie drove here from Columbia and we got a chance to hang out for the first time since we have been back from Europe. I miss her like crazy. It was so great to see her and we made plans for our return to K-State and what we want to do with our apartment when we move in. I cant wait. Julie was the first person I met at K-State. I remember how nervous I was at orientation. My mom had to leave me for some other meeting and I was sitting alone in the back row of the Union Station of our student Union. I had no idea what to do or how to feel. I remember Julie coming in a sitting down next to me while glancing at my nametag..."No way, your from Jefferson City??  I am from Columbia!" That was the first thing she ever said to me and we hit it off. Now, we have had a rocky road but our friendship now is better than ever. 

As we sat on the deck at Bones, the retaurant I am working at, we were able to remince about Prague. It was so nice to hang out with someone for an evening that knew all of the jokes and stories.  Then we talked about our friendship and how great it is now. We realize that the best thing we have going for us is that we are not afraid to duke it out. When something is wrong, we fight...and man can we fight...haha (sorry Hrad girls).  But then we make up and go on.  She is such a beautiful person and I feel so lucky to get to spend my last year of college living with her. We will keep making memories!

The Italian boys valerio, armando, federico...miss you guys

I have been back in the US for almost a month now, and I am starting to make plans for my return to the bustling Manhattan, KS (that was a joke).  I am really looking forward to getting back to K-state and all my Hrad girls there. I miss everyone so much. After spending so many years away from home, there doesnt seem to be a whole lot here for me anymore...but it's going okay. I have been working quite a bit and I am really enjoy it. I love being around people and socializing so waiting tables and bartending is perfect for me...just wish the money were a little better. Right now I am planning to be back in Manhattan on the first thrusday of August...Cant wait!!! 

Since I have been back, the question in my head has been, how should my life in the States look after spending 4 1/2 months overseas?? It has been really tempting to just try and find a place to fit in and do what everyone else does. But then I realized how stupid that was.  My overall goal when I left the States was to go over there and be challenged to CHOOSE a lifestyle and live it rather than do what fits in best... hope this is making sense.  So if I could do that there, why not challenge myself to do the same here?  I have found myself sort of pushing things and people out of my mind because I didnt really have room to think about it, or it was too painful. Now I have made contact with a lot of people that I met overseas and I am realizing how much MORE painful it is to not be in contact with them. they are amazing people and my daily life would not be the same without their impact on my life.

Also, my God has proven to be amazing once again. I have done everything to try and push him away the past few weeks. But once again, he is proving to be my number one fan and pursues me like no one else.  I love the feeling of coming back into the light...although it would be nice if I didnt leave so often.  But I always say..."what if we fall away from the light, only to fall towards the truth"

If you have time on your hands, look into new upcoming artist Ryan Cabrera, hes everywhere right now but he is very talented!!! You have prolly heard his song 'on the way down' on the radio, I love it. thats all for now, I have started to ramble and that is never good!

April, Julie and I backup singing madonna's 'like a prayer'

I haven't written anything on my webjournal or even my real journal since I have been back in the states.  It's so hard to admit to myslef that my time overseas is done. I am still trying to figure out how to let myself tell stories and reminice without being sad. I am sure that it will just come with time. 

I was supposed to work today but I am sick and just trying to rest. I am quickly realizing that my predictions were not wrong about coming home, I automatically slipped into the daily grind. Get up, get ready, go to work, come home, try to get things done that 'have to be done', go to bed and start all over again. It really breaks my heart that life has to be that way and I find myself searching each day beneath everything for more meaning. Something more solid that proves I am really alive. If not for anything else, I am thankful for my time in Europe for the fact that it showed me a different way of life.  Everything around me reminded me daily what a blessing it was to be alive and in the game.  The city I lived in was my support, it helped me breath slower and appreciate every breath I had.  The people around me challenged me and taught me things everyday.  My relationships were a 24/7 commitment. I lived with my 8 girls, but not only that, we traveled together, ate together, shopped together, got ready together, walked together, talked together, laughed and cried together. I am anxiously awaiting my return to manhattan so that I can be with my girls again.

Now, I am realizing that my time there was not to make me depressed and continue to wish I could just go back. I know that it was to teach me lessons and to help me realize what my daily life can look like, even back home.  In one year I will graduate and I know it will be here before I know it.  I have been trying to figure out what my options are at that time, where I want to go, who with, and what I want to do. I am finding more and more as I wiegh the options that I am not the kind of girl that is just going to do 'the next best step'. So it is obvious to me that my trip to Europe was just the beginning of a life full of exciting choices and adventures, I just have to give more of an effort to make it that way.

Please check out Jill's site, she posted several more pictures and I am sure she would love if you checked out her journal also.  Thanks for still checking in!!

I know it has been eons since my last entry. it is very difficult to find the time and a computer worth the money when you are on the road.  Julie, Ally and I have been travelling now for 12 days.  It has been amazing. it was so difficult to leave Prague and all of our friends, but this has been a great way to keep my mind off of being gone.  I officially have a new favorite city...besides Prague, of course. Amsterdam was fun and I had a great birthday, but Barcelona charmed me more than any. Not sure what did it, the amazing architecture, coast full of beaches, our hostel in the center of one of the busiest placas in the city, the welcoming spanish......It was just incredible. the weather was great and I spent a portion of each of our 6 days on the beach. It was truely like a movie.

Last night we spent on an overnight bus ride into Paris. Even our Spanish drivers were little charmers, we seemed to be thier favs.  We arrived in Paris at 10 this morning and spent the whole day wandering around, trying to pack in the sites to see here. tomorrow, the rest of our original group of 8 girls arrive, and we will all be together again to close our journey.

The semester has gonen so fast and just today; walking around, we were talking about how ,uch we have all changed. My excitement to return home grows more and more each day, yet I know it will be difficult. I finally fell in love with something I never get tired of, doesnt talk back, always has knew things to teach me, is there for me through the good and the bad......now I just have to figure out how to get it home to meet the parents.  Seeing and studying in Europe has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. I know it will be a part of who I am forever.

I hope everyone is well and I cant wait to see you!! Back in 4 days.... until then,

Stephanie

lynn's visit to Prague

in between rain showers, tourist season is in full swing!!

It really doesn't seem like too long ago that I was counting down the days before my Valentines trip to London, England and then on to Prague to begin a semester of study abroad.  Now I am counting down again...to leave.  I can honestly say that I have never felt this way before in my life.  I have developed such an appreciation for the things I have at home that I practically jump up and down at the thought of returning to my friends and family... but I know it is bittersweet.  I have met some of the most amazing people here and chances say that I will never see most of them again.

It is so cool to think of God's plan and know that he put these people in my life for this short period for a reason.  Jill and I went for a walk yesterday around our beautiful neighborhood and reflected on the things we expected of the semester...and how it actually turned out.  I learned things about myself I never imagined I would.  God tested my faith in many ways and has given me new reasons to believe the truth he has taught me.  The only really sad thing to me is... I have done this before, a million times.  You meet people, develop relationships, then move on to the next chapter. Its never as easy to stay in touch as you thought it would be.  But it never stops you from trying.

One of our professors and our advisor were in town this weekend.  We had lunch with them and our advisor brought up the concerns of the college back home that the Prague program is not up to par as far as architecture goes.  How do you explain them the differences, admit that you are thankful for the program we DO have at Kstate, but then go on to tell them that you grew more and learned more in one single semester than you have out of all your college career so far???

So the countdown....one week from today I hop on a bus bound for western Europe.  Then I have two weeks to see everything I can before I return to the world across the ocean.  I cannot believe how excited I am for the future and for the past at the same time! Ally and I are getting ready to go out around the city and take pictures of everyday things.  As a group collectively, the 8 of us have compiled about 10 CDs of pictures from the whole semester.....thousands!!! 

The memories of this trip will take a long time to kill, and we will fight hard to keep them.

It is monday again, it is crazy how fast the weeks are flying by.  Just last week I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of Lynn.  Now, she has been here a week and we have an intense few days of Prague site-seeing ahead of us. It is great for me because I always tend to look at Prague as home base and really take advantage of what the city has to offer.  Last week flew by.  We had our farewell boat party on the Vltava river which was AAAA-mazing. I don't think I have ever had a greater time with a group of people!! I think what was so good about it was that everyone was there.....and dressed like pirates. it was a blast....but also really sad, I cant even count how many times that I was close to tears.  I will miss these people so much, I think there will always be an empty place that they have fullfilled during my time in Prague.  We boarded the boat with empty stomaches around 7pm and had some good fingerfood.  Then we drank sangria and danced the night away on an open deck. it was beautiful.......the scenary, the night, the water, the whole dang night.  At one point, I took a video with my camera for about 5 minutes.....I caught everyone off gaurd and everyone added their own little comentaries.  The 5 minutes of video, looking at it now, captures everyones personality, I cant wait to show it to you all. The night ended too quickly and afterwards, several continued the long-lived tradition of running the 300m long Charles Bridge in the nude! No worries........I did not partake........but only because no one told me when they were leaving.....just kidding!! That was last thursday, the next morning came too early and Lynn and I got up and packed up for budapest.  Our trip, which we have been sort-of planning for a few weeks, had some last minute alterations.  Instead of the two of us taking a bus there, we were getting ready to hop in a rental car with one of my roomies, Ally, Tommy the finnish guy, and three Italians. It was great because all we had to do was sit back and ride.  The trip took about 6 hours and we arrived at our hostel, the Station Guesthouse.  It had been talked up a lot by a few people that went recently, so when we arrived, we were shocked. The hostel was far from Posh and was not in the greatest location.....dont worry, Julie, we realized quickly why you liked it so much.  The people that worked there were pretty cool.  Our second night, everyone in the hostel walked to a great restaurant a few blocks away and had an amazing all-you-can-eat and drink buffet....Hungarian style.  IT was so good. We had a group of about 13 people and talked and ate food for three hours. On Saturday, Ally, Lynn and I spent about 4 and 1/2 hours at the thermal baths in the city park. It was unlike anything I have experienced. I was so nervous because of the random stories that various people had told us but it turned out to be a great experience. we got massages and partook of the hot tubs, saunas, and pools- indoor and outdoor all for a grand total of 20 US Dollars!! It was a nice relaxing day.........once you got used to the very skimpy, revealing speedos that are Oh-so-popular with Huge, hairy hungarian men (sorry for the mental picture).  Then on Sunday we spent several hours touring the huge city (over 2million population).  The architecture was very unique and VERY different from Prague.  As usual, it was great to come home.....especially after the number of U-turns the Italians pulled trying to find our way back (dont worry, Valerio, I knew we would make it eventually!)

Well, Lynn and I are off to visit the King (laundry mat) and then we have a long night of Roxy ahead, it may be the last time that all the international students cram into the overcrowded, smokefilled techno bar before everyone begins to go different ways.